Crossroads

I'm slowly approaching a crossroads in my motherhood journey. Since 5th February 2019, I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding. That's a big chunk of time that I've effectively been policing what enters my body. However, it isn't recommended to breastfeed whilst on the medication for ADHD and recently I've been feeling more regularly triggered by noise and sensory overload.

I've been quietly smug about how I adapted to life with two children. Throughout my second pregnancy, I was terrified I wouldn't cope. Memories of the torturous sleepless nights, latching issues, colic and everything in-between. How would I do all of that again with a toddler in tow? It seemed impossible. I already felt mentally at capacity on many days.

...and then in the early hours of 6th June 2022, she came into our world. Annie Elizabeth Lambert. From the off, it was clear we were dealing with a different baby. I could put her down in her moses basket and she wouldn't scream out as if in pain. She slept stretches of 3-4 hours, whereas I was lucky to get 90 minutes with her big sister before she'd be crying for another feed.

Perhaps it was me. I knew what I was doing this time. More confident. Able. When she was passed to me, I didn't seek any approval before putting her to my breast. I knew what to do and so did she. The bond was instant.

During the summer, life was good. Annie just slot right into our routine which continued to mostly revolve around Elsie. Nursery runs, day trips, walks to the park etc. It was still chaos, but in the best possible way. I was shocked by how well it all seemed to be going.

Of course, I'd overlooked a cold hard fact. Newborn babies really don't need too much. And they sleep... a lot.

Now that Annie has started moving around and eating food, the workload has increased. And with that, so has the mental load. Do I need to put a wash on today? Have I even emptied the dryer from the last load? Is Elsie's prescription ready yet? When did Annie last have milk? Which boob was it? What fruit does Elsie like this week? Should I give Annie more solids? When did I last wash my hair?

The list is endless and when you have ADHD, that internal monologue can drive you to distraction. It doesn't take a lot of stimulation to send me over the edge so I've found myself being shorter. Less patient. Less of the mum I want to be.

I've decided I need to give some serious consideration to trying medication. Of the people I follow on social media, those that have started medication for their ADHD have noticed a marked improvement in their quality of life. Which subsequently means, I'd need to end my breastfeeding journey. Elsie was nearly two before she dropped her nighttime feed and Annie is not yet nine months so it feels unfair on her in some ways. But if it enables me to be more present, resilient and capable - the best version of myself possible - then I think I probably owe that to my children.

In the meantime, I'm getting my dopamine hits from caffeine, fresh air and kitchen discos!