The anxiety of pregnancy after a loss

 The second time I looked down at a positive pregnancy test was on 5th February 2019. A smile didn't creep onto my face this time and I was not filled with the same joy and excitement. I knew this didn't necessarily mean I was going to have a baby. I wanted to be excited. But I also wanted to protect myself from further heartache.

Luckily, I had a very good distraction to keep me occupied. We were due to fly to New York the following week to get married! The wedding itself had come about as a bit of a snap decision over Christmas. Jeff had surprised me with the trip as my Christmas present but the dates coincided with Valentines Day and my 30th birthday.

We'd been engaged for a little while so one of us joked about getting married while away. The joke quickly turned into reality and we spent the following days making arrangements with a lovely wedding team in New York. The events of the previous summer had left me slightly socially anxious so a big wedding would have freaked me out. Jeff was equally as keen to avoid a big 'do' so it was ideal!

I was about 5 weeks pregnant when we flew and among all the wedding related items and clothes in my suitcase were some heavy duty sanitary pads - just in case something should happen whilst away. I wondered if I was being negative or if this was reasonable preparation for the inevitable. Either way, it had never crossed my mind to prepare for a miscarriage during the first pregnancy. 

I think losing your first pregnancy robs you of some excitement for future pregnancies. A wall comes up and it's very hard to allow yourself to feel positive. On reflection, I probably would have benefitted from some form of therapy at the time.

Looking at our wedding pictures is a funny thing because externally you'd never know the invasive thoughts racing through my head.

When we flew back from New York, the first thing I wanted to do was take another digital pregnancy test to see if things had progressed. It was a pointless exercise really as no result could have possibly made me relax into things.

We paid for two extra scans before we reached the 12 mark milestone. One was just after 7 weeks where we had the pregnancy confirmed as dating correctly and sitting in the womb with a heartbeat. That's as detailed as they can be that early on but it was reassuring to hear.

I thought I'd be able to hold off until the NHS scan after that but the invasive thoughts crept back in so we paid for another scan at 10 weeks. This was a turning point for me. It was the first time I'd had a pregnancy scan and seen a shape on the screen that resembled a baby. I could see the head and little arms and legs. I felt overwhelming relief.

Of course I worried throughout the whole pregnancy. In between each midwife appointment or scan I worried that the baby's heartbeat could suddenly stop and I'd be none the wiser. As my bump grew and I started to feel movements, it became much easier. A little thump from a flailing arm or leg let me know that baby was happy enough.

Looking back, I'm sure that my mental state in not allowing myself to be excited also affected how I bonded with my baby. Both before and after she was born. Difficulty to bond is something I think a lot of mums struggle with but it's a topic that seems almost taboo to talk about. I'd like to talk a bit about this in my next post.

Thank you for reading.